Dr. Robyn Silverman on Fox News (Fox and Friends) Saturday, Oct 3

Fox and Friends Topic: Should We Ever Lie to our Children?

By: Dr. Robyn Silverman

I’m currently getting ready to travel down to the Fox News studios in NYC to do a segment on whether parents should ever lie to their children.  What do you think?

Here’s my take:

Lying.

We tell our children not to do it.  It’s wrong.  It’s dishonest. It’s got bad consequences. And yet, parents often lie to their children. It’s OK, right? After all, our parents did it. Most parents still do.

You keep a special stash of your favorite chocolate in a high up cabinet. You tell your boss you have a doctor’s appointment but you really just want to see your child in her Holiday play. And perhaps you even told them that you didn’t drink alcohol until you were 21.

But if we’re supposed to lead by example, how can parents lie to their children? We look our children right in the eye and tell them that lying is (nearly always) unacceptable.

Moms and Dads lie for all different reasons; from lying for the protection of their children, to keeping details about sex, drugs, smoking, death, rape, and war at a minimum? Is it ethical? Hypocritical? Wise? Necessary?

In order to answer that question, we need to consider:

(1) The reasons for lying

(2) The benefits of telling the truth

(3) The goals

Some things to consider:

  • Reasons for lying
  • Benefits from telling the truth
  • The goals for your child

Let’s go into more detail:

(1) Reasons for lying: Why are you lying? Certainly it has no malicious intent.  Are you trying to keep your kids from being prematurely pushed from their comfort zones? That’s a good reason. It’s a good idea to keep in mind the developmental age of our children and tell them what they can process and understand without scaring them unnecessarily.

  • Why it can be a bit hypocritical: Well, we ask children to not only tell the truth, but not to omit details of the truth either. Then we go ahead and do a covert cover up, leave out pieces of the story, or just tell them a bold faced lie. Let’s call a spade a spade here.
  • Why it can be necessary: When children are asked to listen and accept truths prematurely, it can be very scary and confusing for them. Parents often know best. Yes, some topics are not meant for little ears and others need to be explained very delicately or in broad brush-strokes. If you’re unsure how to handle a touchy situation, talk to your Pediatrician or other helping professional.
  • Parents Biggest Mistake: Your child asks you a question and you tell him that he’s too young to talk about such things (i.e. sex, drugs, smoking, etc). Mark my words, he’ll either (1) find out from another source, (2) become so interested in it that he gets into some trouble (forbidden fruit), or (3) he’s already doing it or thinking about doing it and you just missed your opportunity to talk about it with him!!! Don’t make this mistake!!!

(2) Benefits from telling the truth: If you can tell the truth and you think your child can handle it, it’s a good choice. Telling the truth can be very beneficial. It helps to connect and establish trust. They can learn from your mistakes. They can also learn about drugs, sex, war and other touchy topics from a trusted person- you– instead of one of their friends who likely will give them false information. Make yourself their first and most credible resource.

  • Be sure to express your opinion: If you choose to tell the truth about your own past experiences and mistakes, be sure to talk to your children about why you believe it was a mistake, what you wish you had done instead, and how you feel about your children participating in such situations. Show the amount of disapproval such a thing deserves such as sex at a young age or drugs.
  • Be sure to ask questions: Don’t be the one who does all the talking. Ask your children and teens how they feel about these topics, questions and concerns that they have, why it’s of interest now, and how you can help them the most. Let them tell you their stories and talk to you about their fears, interests, and worries. Listening is one of the best things you can do.
  • Caution! Remember to make your explanations age-appropriate. In many cases, it’s best if details of crazy parties, early sexual experiences, drug use, and smoking, were left out. Explaining too much in detail might give the kids the impression that you miss what you used to do or that you feel it was a good idea—even if you don’t believe that at all. Children also don’t need to hear many of the gory details of the current war your brother or niece is helping to fight—but rather, the hard work their doing, their bravery, and the band of brothers and sisters that are working to keep them as safe as possible so that we can all be safe at home. By the same token, when you are divorcing filling your child’s head with information about spousal infidelity, stealing, cheating, and backstabbing is not appropriate—but rather, that while his parents no longer love each other or can live with each other, both parents will always love him, care for him, and it’s in no way his fault. As yourself, how does this information serve my child? And remember to think about why they might be asking—for reassurance, for basic information, for safety, or what?

(3) Goals for Child: Think about your goals for your children. If you shelter them, it may backfire. They feel unprepared or lied to—and this could put in question your credibility. On the other hand, too much information can be confusing and scary. You must really listen to your child and help him without overwhelming him. You must teach him integrity, honesty, and trust, without compromising yours.

In the end, you have to decide what’s right for you and your child.  Every child is different– some can handle more detail than others.  Would love to hear your opinion– so comment below! Hope you’ll tune in at 8:20am EST, 7:20 Central, 6:20 Mountain, and yes, you early birds– 5:20am Pacific- to Fox News’ Fox and Friends to see us talk about lying, when it may be OK to not tell the full truth and when we must.

copyright: Dr. Robyn Silverman

Clipart credit: Jupiter Images

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Dr. Robyn Silverman on The Tyra Show: October 5th

Dr Robyn Silverman, child development expert and body image expertTyra_logo

Talking about “Fat Haters:” Dr. Robyn Silverman, body image expert, on The Tyra Show!

It was just last Tuesday that I was asked to come down to New York City to be the Body Image Expert for a taping of the nationally syndicated talk show, The Tyra Show, with, of course, Tyra Banks. The show will air October 5th so be sure to watch or Tivo Tyra on that day (4pm EST on the CW)!

The topic: Fat Haters and the family members and friends who they hurt with their attitudes.

It’s hard enough for women to deal with the images they see each day—from what they see in the media to what they “see” reflected in the mirror.  Girls and women compare themselves to impossible standards of thinness so that…what? I’m not quite sure. What I call “striving for zero” (that “ideal” dress size or that “ideal weight) makes us feel inadequate and unworthy.  And this is normal. Thank goodness we all have a place to go home to where all that stuff doesn’t matter and we can remind ourselves that we are amazing TODAY- not 5 pounds from now.

But what is it like for those girls and women who don’t have a safe haven among their family and friends—a place where weight and looks and size don’t matter and they are loved and valued for who they are? A place where beauty has a wider definition and a clothing size doesn’t depict more worth as it delves deeper into the zeros? Those girls and women are suffering.  They have no buffer. They begin to buy into the notion that the more they weigh, the less they are worth. And what’s worse, they pass body bashing on, generation after generation.

So, that’s what we were all talking about on The Tyra Show.  I was asked about why some girls lash out in the ugly ways depicted on the show (you won’t believe some of the things said) and other related questions about double standards and body image.  It was exciting to be a part of The Tyra Show and I’m glad I can share this topic with you, which, as you know, is near and dear to my heart.  After all, I’m writing a whole book on it (due out October 2010!).

Looking forward to hearing what you have to say about the show.  There isn’t any crazy chair throwing—don’t worry- I think there are some important stories and opinions uncovered. So watch The Tyra Show with me—Monday, October 5th, at 4pm EST on the CW.  See you there!

Dr. Robyn Silverman signs