Separation Anxiety: Guidelines to Say Goodbye to Clingy Kids?

Separation anxiety for back to school?

Separation anxiety for back to school?

Dear Dr. Robyn,

I’m sure you hear a lot about separation anxiety around back to school time. It’s only July and I’m already dreading “back to school” because my child will be going to kindergarten.  With my first child, we had quite a time with getting him comfortable enough to go into his classroom and leave my side for a lot of the school year.  He’s what you call a “clingy kid.” Well, I wound up staying for way longer than I should. I’m sure I made some mistakes and I know this is classic separation anxiety.  Can you give me a quick was to say good-bye that we  can follow so we don’t make the same mistakes twice?

–Laura, Mom of Max and Julia, New Brunswick NJ

Thanks for your question, Laura!

I actually spoke about this with Parents Magazine in the July 2008 issue.  Separation anxiety is seen in many children to varying degrees.  It can come in the form of crying, whining, clinging, following, silence, withdrawal, or hiding behind a parent.

First, remember, that your daughter is not your son.  She may respond completely differently than you other child did in the same circumstance.  In this case, it’s important not to generalize and “pre-label” your daughter!

Second, there are some things you can do before school that can ease the transition.  Typically the problem of separation anxiety on the first days of school are two-fold—your child is uncomfortable being separated by you but she is also uncomfortable about what’s unfamiliar to her as well.

You can do something about that. Allow her to see her classroom, meet the teacher, and connect with some classmates before the first day of school.  Play in the school playground, walk the halls, and meet the principal.  Essentially, make the unfamiliar, familiar.  I talk more about these kinds of tips in my interview with I will notify our powerful parents when the articles come out.  In addition, I will be doing some tele-seminars on easing the transition back to school which I will let you know about shortly.

In addition, September’s Powerful Word of the month is courage– so get a jump on talking about courage in your household! Your Powerful Words school will help support these messages of courage as the instructors go through September’s Powerful Words curriculum.

Finally, if you are looking for a way to say good-bye without all the drama, please follow my ABCDE Goodbye Plan.  It’s simple and easy to remember—even though it’s sometimes hard to do!

Dr. Robyn Silverman’s ABCDE Goodbye to Separation Anxiety Plan:

(1) Be Affectionate—give a hug and a kiss, tell him how much you love him/her

(2) Be Brief– don’t linger because that will increase signs of separation anxiety

(3) Be Clear that you will be back and if you can, you can even tell them when (after the last school bell, when the clock says 3pm)

(4) Be Directive– “Go show your teacher what you brought from home!” “There’s your new friend, Emma—go say hello!” This gives your child something specific to do, gets her mind off the impending separation, and connects her with someone else in the room.

(5) And perhaps most importantly, EXIT. This doesn’t mean sneak out. You’ve said your goodbyes—wave- smile—and leave. Prolonging the inevitable makes the process harder for everyone.

In the mean time, you still have much of the summer to enjoy.  Talk positively about school and all the great things she will be able to do there.  And for your own sanity, talk positively to yourself—we all know the separation can be as hard on the parents as it is on the kids!

Best regards,

Dr. Robyn Silverman signs

Separation Anxiety in Young Children: Dr. Robyn Silverman in Parents Magazine

Dr. Robyn Silverman in Parents Magazine

Dr. Robyn Silverman in Parents Magazine

Separation Anxiety in Infants and Toddlers

Dr. Robyn Silverman

I was recently interviewed for Parents Magazine, the July 2008 issue, out on stands now. The topic: Separation Anxiety in young children– what is it, when does it happen, and how to cope. Here are some high points:

What is Separation Anxiety? Separation anxiety in infancy is when the child expresses negative emotions such as sadness, loss, loneliness, discomfort and even fear when they are separated from the person they rely on the most—usually this means Mom.

When does it happen? Infants can begin to show signs of separation anxiety as early as 6 or 7 months but usually it peeks during the 6 months following the child’s 1st birthday—between 12- 18 months.

Why does it happen? Separation anxiety happens as a result of 2 converging types of development—cognitive development, which is essentially the intellectual growth in children, and social/emotional development, which centers around a child’s ability to connect, trust, and create a bond with others.

On the cognitive side, between 4-8 months and more strongly between 12- 18 months, the infant develops something called object permanence—the knowledge that objects still exist even when we can’t see them—and essentially, they know that something is missing and in this case, that something is you. Of course, while they put 2 and 2 together and know when your about to leave, they don’t have the capacity yet to know when you’ll return.

On the social-emotional side, they have created a bond with the parent called “attachment” and when this is a healthy, secure attachment, the child feels safe and comfortable in the parent’s presence. The flip side of this is that they can feel anxious when not in your presence—and that’s where we see the third part of the puzzle- stranger anxiety which is when they feel scared in the presence of strangers or people that they don’t know really well.

So let’s put it all together—they’ve developed object permanence and can tell when you’re about to leave but not you’re your going to come back or frankly, if you’re going to come back—this makes them anxious—they’ve created a bond with you (as they can distinguish between familiar and unfamiliar adults) which makes them feel safe and comfortable when they’re with you and less comfortable and more anxious when they’re not with you and finally, they’ve developed stranger anxiety which makes them feel anxious in the presence of strangers—a fear that becomes more pronounced when Mom (or whomever the caretaker is) is not around.

A fourth component can come into play, in my opinion, is something called social referencing—which is when the child reads the response of the parent and reacts accordingly. If the parent is comfortable and calm, the child is more likely to feel the same—but when Mom or Dad are very anxious, the child reads this from the feel of Mom’s body, her facial expressions, her body language, and the child’s separation anxiety will go through the roof. If there is one thing that infant’s rely on is trust. And if the parent isn’t showing that they trust the situation or the temporary caretaker, the child will sense it and the anxiety will go up.

How do different children manifest separation anxiety? Children manifest separation anxiety through behaviors such as crying, whining, calling out, clinging, whimpering, following, burying their head in their parents shoulder, hiding behind the parent, silence, and unwillingness to interact with others.

Dr. Robyn Silverman‘s ABCDE Goodbye Plan:

(1) Be Affectionate—give a hug and a kiss, tell him how much you love him

(2) Be Brief– don’t linger because that will increase signs of sep anxiety

(3) Be Clear that you will be back and if you can, you can even tell them when (after nap, before dinner, after Elmo is on TV)

(4) Be Directive– “Show Aunt Rosie your favorite bear” “Teach Grandma how to play Peek-a-boo,” “Show Mary where we keep your favorite video—she wants to watch it with you!” This both gets them excited about what they’ll be doing, gives them something to do, and let’s them know what’s coming next.

(5) And perhaps most importantly, EXIT.

I know, it’s hard on you too, isn’t it? But you need to be strong for your child. While it may be difficult in the beginning, everyone will be happier in the long run!

Have a Powerful Week!