Why I love “Old People”

Why I Love “Old People”

Dr. Robyn Silverman

We just went down to Florida to visit our 3 month old daughter, Tallie’s Great Grandparents (my husband’s grandparents– the ultimate team!). They’re 90 and 91 years old.  They’re married for 70 years.  They’re…amazing.

I always had a very close connection with my grandparents growing up. They lived in the next town over and we saw them often.  I have memories of my “Nanny” taking me to lunch, knitting me sweaters, and just spending time talking.  She said I was the sunshine of her life and I believed her.

When you get to be in your teens, you think the “old people” are so old that they’re out of touch.  As you get older, you find out that they’re more “in touch” with the ways of the world than you are.  They call it like they see it.  They say exactly what’s on their minds.  They don’t care about “standing on ceremony” (as our grandmother says) or worrying that someone won’t include them or will think badly of them.

I think it rubs off.  When I’m around our Florida Grandparents (and Great Aunts, cousins…etc!), I’m not nervous about hurting someone’s feelings.  I speak my mind and they appreciate it.  We have candid conversations and we don’t look for “hidden meanings” or wonder if we meant what we said.  We also have emotional conversations–conversations about gratitude and love and life.  We tell stories and share insights. We say the things most people wait to say until the person has left the earth. We tell each other why we are so appreciative. We laugh. We hug. It’s stripped down and open. It feels like it should be.

They marveled over every little thing Tallie did.  Every sound, every smile.  They remind us that the simple things should be coveted because time goes fast and, while life is amazing, if you don’t pay attention, you can miss out on the best moments.

But I think the most important thing about visiting grandparents is the relationships that can form between a child and these incredible seniors.  Nobody can teach a child about nurturing, longevity, patience, forgiveness, and lifetime love like Grandparents. In our fast paced world many of us can’t stand to be in a room with the same person for more than 20 minutes—yet they’re spending everyday of 70 years with one another (and “not long enough,” as “Ma” says).  Being with them reveals how it can work.

They’ve already gone “through it all” and they are not loving for what they get in return or trying to compete to get noticed.  They give and share and make us laugh out loud with stories we’ve heard a thousand times.  These are the stories I try to hold in my memory because one day they will be gone. For my daughter’s sake, I must remember.  Who am I kidding? For my sake, I must remember.

It’s amazing what can happen when you open your eyes and your heart to the possibility of a deep understanding between you and a grandparent.  They may not even be yours by blood—but they love you like you are…and you can’t help but love them like you’ve known them for a lifetime.

When we were leaving Florida yesterday, “Ma” and “Pa” told us how much we had done for them by coming down to see them and bringing our beautiful baby with us to steal their hearts.  I’m grateful.  Anything Tallie gets from them is a blessing.

Just a note- and of course this is a personal decision, but if you have been holding a grudge or have been disconnected with your child’s grandparents, perhaps it’s time to bury the hatchet or reconnect.  I wouldn’t say to do it if my family hadn’t experienced a reunification of some sort at one time or another.  It’s worth it.  When we let the past continue to govern the future, we miss out on what can be. And what can be…can be wonderful.

How do you express your gratitude?

Since it’s appreciation month for Powerful Words, I’m always looking for great ways to express gratitude.  How do YOU express your gratitude? How do you foster it in your children?

We can express gratitude…
(1) Through a letter: Yesterday we talked about writing a letter to the teacher telling him or her all the ways s/he has helped you or your child.  By writing a letter, you put longevity into words that allows the recipient to read and reread your appreciative statements.  Tell them all the ways you are thankful. What a wonderful gift!

(2) Through a gift: There are plenty of gifts you can give to someone to show your appreciation.  Whether it’s flowers, candy, homemade cookies, or simply something you saw that made you think of them, a little something can say a lot.  Especially when you make it yourself or the gift is personalized in some way for that person, you can really show you’ve been thinking of the other person and what s/he means to you.

(3) Through spending time: As we know, children spell “love” T-I-M-E.  Time together can show how much you appreciate someone else.  Especially when you do something that is meaningful to the other person– see a movie they’ve been wanting to see, or even going somewhere that you know they’d rather not go to alone (like the hospital, to visit someone they have mixed feelings about, etc), you are saying that that person is important to you and that you appreciate all they’ve done.

(4) Through a song, dance, or art: Some of us have a creative spirit.  Use it.  If you sing beautifully, play the piano, write songs, draw, or paint, you can use whatever medium you desire to show someone how much you appreciate them.  And no matter what kind of dancer you are, if you are grateful, you can show your gratitude through your movement.  Just check out the gratitude dancers above!

(5) Through your own words: Just say how you feel.  No  time like the present! We often let time pass without saying a thing.  If your husband is taking out the garbage and your wife has cooked your favorite meal, or your children cleaned their rooms without asking, make sure they know how much you appreciate it.  In many families around the world, other spouses and children might not be as considerate. Don’t let sleeping dogs lie–remind yourself to do it often– tell them today!

Tell us how you express your gratitude.  It’s a great time to let people know how much you care!

8 Tips to Writing A Thank You Note to Your Teacher

It’s appreciation month for Powerful Words and many of our member schools are getting ready to celebrate “Teacher Appreciation Week.” That means that it’s a great time to write a letter of appreciation and gratitude to all our favorite teachers, coaches, instructors, and mentors in our lives.

At the end of last year, we discussed what to include in a letter of appreciation—but it stands repeating. Whether your child is writing the letter, your teen, or your writing it with them, these guidelines stand. So get your pens ready—and let’s talk gratitude!

1. Be as specific as possible: Refrain from being too cliché and general. Tell them exactly why you appreciate them.
2. Use paper or a card that allows you to express your unique self: Sometimes, those pre-written cards don’t cut it. Ask your child to create his own stationary or use a beautiful blank card in which you can write the message instead.
3. Use a greeting and a closing that shows respect: Remind your kids to forget “hey,” “hi,” and “see you around.” Let’s show our teachers that we respect them and regard them highly.
4. Handwrite it: Even if you don’t love your handwriting, handwritten notes always beat typed notes any day. Make it personal!
5. Be gracious: Even if you and the teacher don’t always agree, highlight some of the ways that s/he has helped your child.
6. Talk about how the lessons will influence your child: Which lessons will stick with your child for years to come? What changes have you seen in your child?
7. Talk about the past and the future: The teachers and coaches at your local schools and Powerful Words schools have been helping your child for quite some time! What did you think when you first met this person? What did your child think?
8. Don’t email it! Send the letter through the snail mail or give it directly to the person. Again, it’s about making it personal.

I recently received a beautiful book of letters from one of our Powerful Words Member Schools in Connecticut, filled with letters of appreciation from the students. What a gift that we will cherish! I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to hear how others feel about the work we do. It IS important to send letters of appreciation. You might think teachers know how you feel of that they don’t need to hear it from you, but coming from an educators standpoint—we appreciate it!

Many thanks to our Powerful Parents, our Powerful schools—and to you!

Showing Appreciation and Gratitude for Our Best Teachers

Which teachers, coaches, or instructors have inspired you?

Dr. Robyn Silverman

As you all know, the Powerful Word of the Month is Appreciation! All Powerful Words schools are currently gearing up for Teacher Appreciation Week. Of course! We’ve talked about gratitude and 10 great ways to say thank-you to teachers in the past and it’s that time again–Our teachers, coaches, and instructors deserve our gratitude.

Looking back, I still remember my favorite teachers who really made a difference in my life. I remember Mr. Orsini, my 9^th grade English teacher, who helped me to believe in myself. When I raised my hand in English class (we were studying Shakespeare), he said “I know you know the answer to this one, Robyn, so I’m saving you for a hard question!” As you can see, I still remember when that happened because having a teacher believe that I was smart meant something to me. During adolescence it’s easy to doubt yourself—and I certainly did.

I also remember Mr. Hendrickson who gave me my very first 100% on a math test. I stunk in math—or at least I believe I did. But Mr. Hendrickson (who we all called “Hendi”) was around during free periods and after school to help the students who needed it. Yes, I needed it!!! He stopped me in the hallway and said, “You did it! You got a 100%!” In all my doubtful adolescence I asked, “are you sure?” And he said, “I’m sure. And I DON’T need to check it again!” It made a difference to me that he was excited for me and that he shared in the achievement because he was there to help.

Finally, I remember Dr. Carlin from Washington University. She was more than a professor—she was like a Mom away from home for me. She taught me how to do research but she also taught me to be bold and ask for what I want. On days when I just needed a home environment, I would stay over at her house with her and her husband and 2 dogs. We would sit on the back deck eating French toast and drinking coffee in our pajamas and terry cloth robes and talk about what was going on in our lives. We were like family. She taught me that a teacher can be more than just a person in a classroom—a teacher can inspire, nurture, and motivate.

There are countless others. Do you have any teachers who made a difference in your life? Tell us about them! We know there are MANY at your Powerful Words Member Schools!

My hope is that I have a bit of each of these teachers lessons inside of me now and use them with my own coaching clients and Powerful Words family members—and of course, with all of our Powerful Families. We thank you all for being a part of our lives.

Got Gratitude? Use Your Own Personal Appreciation Widget

What is Your Gratitude Widget?

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman

All our Powerful Words Member Schools are focusing on Appreciation this Month. How can Powerful Parents continue the lessons of appreciation that the children are learning at their PW schools at home?

We all need reminders to keep us on track, on task, and aware of what propels us forward or pushes us back. This is especially true when it comes to appreciation and gratitude.  Many of us tend to think negatively so we need reminders to tell us to turn it around and think positively. This is where structures of your own personal “widget” comes into play.

As a success coach, I talk to my clients about using structures often. A structure is a something that serves to remind yourself or your children to do something. In this case, I’m talking about taking time to be grateful and to show gratitude. It can be as old school as tying a string around your finger or as new school as setting your blackberry to go off everyday to remind you to do it. There are millions of structures from vision boards to pictures, to a stop watch or a cabbage patch doll. It’s your diary or plan book or the large quote written above your computer— “look on the positive side!” the fortune cookie insert on your night table “Those who are grateful have sweet dreams” or the magnet on your refrigerator “Got Gratitude?” Whatever works for that person is something that can be used.

I have a gratitude stone on my night stand that reminds me to think of the things and people I’m grateful for before I close my eyes at night.  We need more gratitude in our lives– and I do believe my dreams are sweeter because I think of who and what I appreciate as my last thoughts of the night.  What do you think about? Your to-do list? Who angered you that day? The holiday coming up?  Getting stressed out before bed doesn’t help anyone.  As parents we have to both be an example to our children and teach them directly how to think about the good stuff in our lives instead of dwelling on the negative.

What is your appreciation widget?  If you don’t have one this month is the time to get one!  After all, it’s appreciation month at all Powerful Words Member Schools! Let’s show the children what being appreciative is all about so that they too will embody the Powerful Word and share with us what they are grateful for this year! Make a list and share it with the family.  Write a thank-you note or give a thank-you gift. Start today!

Dr. Robyn Silverman introduces the April Word of the Month: Appreciation

The Powerful Word of the Month is Appreciation! All Powerful Words Member Schools will be teaching the children how to show more appreciation this month at home, at school, in the community, and in their after-school programs.  Studies show that children and teens who show more appreciation and gratitude tend to be happier, healthier, and more successful. That means this is an important and powerful month indeed!

Appreciation Quotes

“The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.” –Dalai Lama

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”–Voltaire

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” –Buddha

“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” –Mother Theresa

“Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.” –Margaret Cousins

“Appreciation allows a group of many to share in the success of one. It’s only right. After all, no one gets to the top without the help of others.” –Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” –Albert Schweitzer

“I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate.” –Elbert Hubbard

Dr. Robyn Silverman Announces Birth of Daughter, Talia

Hello everyone!

It’s been an exciting couple of days!  Many of you know that my husband and I have been matched to adopt our baby girl’s birth parents for 9 months.  Well, February 19th was the day!  Talia Paige Silverman was born on 2/19 at 10:19am weighing 5 pounds, 6 ounces and measuring 16 inches long.

We are so grateful to have been there for her birth!  Our Tallie was supposed to be born on Monday, Febrary 24th after 6pm through induction.  However, she didn’t get the memo and decided that earlier was better.  Our birth mom went in for her check up last Tuesday and was already dialated to 3 centimeters– on Wednesday she was told her fluid was down to a 6 and our daughter would be here very soon.  Thursday was the day!  We flew out as soon as we heard that the induction was going to be moved up.  After delays in Atlanta, due to weather, we arrived in Oklahoma at 2am, went to our hotel, took a 55 minute nap, and were off to the hospital for the 6am induction.  Funny, I think our Talia was thinking “induction insmuction”– she was coming anyway.  Our birth mom was already at 4-5 centimeters!

With me, my husband, our birth mom and our birth father all in the delivery room, we felt surrounded by love and gratitude.  What a blessing.  Our birthmom only needed to push 1 1/2 times before Tallie made her way into the world.  After getting cleaned off, weighed and measured, and my husband cut the cord, she was handed to me for our first encounter.  She was beautiful and so small!  I had the honor of being able to introduce Talia to our birthmom, exactly as we all had planned it together, and it was one of the most beautiful and precious moments of my life.  We all felt like family before the birth and we became family after.

After spending a few days in the hospital with our little girl, we’re now settled into an apartment for a few days as the paperwork goes from state to state for approval.  It’s been an amazing few days.  We got together with our birth family for sushi the other night and I’ll be making a turkey dinner for everyone, including some extended family, tomorrow night.  Perhaps you might be surprised by that– but there has been nothing typical about this adoption.  It’s been a pleasure in everyway.

Our birthmom courageously went to court this morning and did the most loving thing for Talia–legal custody is now ours.  She is the bravest, most thoughtful person we know.  It’s been such an honor to have gone on this journey with her.   Through countless text messages, phone calls, emails, and precious conversations, she has been so thoughtful to include me in every part of the pregnancy. I’ll discuss this more in future posts– but know this, adoption can be easy, and lovely, and wonderful in every way if you choose to make it that way, follow the signs, and open your heart.

I’m excited to share our unusual and spectacular experience with all of you. I’m even coaching some people through part of the process. In addition, our social worker, our birth mom, and myself are planning to run a teleconference so people can hear about our outstanding experience and how it can be. So contact us if you’re interested so we can send you some information when we plan it.

Please feel free to ask questions.  There are so many unfortunate myths about adoption itself, open adoption in particular, and US adoption to boot.  And while we acknowledge that not everyone has the same experience as we did– my point is, that it’s possible to have it this way– adoption doesn’t have to be a series of mishaps, broken hearts, and years on end of waiting. We are living the reality– and it’s wonderful. We’re proud of our journey and hope it will inspire others out there who are thinking about adoption…and perhaps even open adoption like ours.

The Proud Mommy,

Lessons from Aruba: Life Looks Better from a Hammock

…From Sandles to Snow Boots in One Day

Dr. Robyn Silverman

It’s always nice to go on vacation and get away from it all…especially when “getting away” means getting away from the snow and bitter cold of the Northeast (at least for me, anyway).

On Friday, I returned from Aruba.  We were in a very turbulent airplane while making it back to Boston in the heavy snow.  I had my feet firmly planted on the Aruba sand in the morning and shoved in snow boots by nightfall.  Oh well.  The vacation (something I take rarely), helped me to remember a few things.  Perhaps vacations do the same for you:

What I learned in Aruba:

(1) It’s important to get in touch with nature: It’s embarrassing.  How much time do we spend on a computer?  Phone? Ipod?  Believe me, I’m guilty of it as well.  In Aruba, I was watching Iguanas crawl on my husband’s shoe.  This would probably be disturbing at any other time in any other place.  But here, in Aruba, it was fabulolus! I was captivated by pelicans in trees.  They reminded me that I was in a special place. And, as you can imagine, I was shocked to stand right next to the flamingos on the beach.  Ahhh.  This is the way it’s supposed to be.  We are sharing this earth with other creatures! Who knew? I don’t know about you, but I sometimes need to be reminded. My phone didn’t work in Aruba– and that was a very good thing!

(2) Nothing soothes like a great sunset: Sometimes I’m so busy looking at what’s right infront of me that I forget to look at the amazing sites Mother Nature provides.  Wow.  Sunsets make me breathe deeper and remember why nature inspires artists to paint. You’ll see what I mean below:

(3) Beauty can be captured from all perspectives. I love doing yoga.  However, doing yoga on the beach was an amazing treat.  Being the kind of person I a (type A), people might say I have some trouble slowing down.  Yes, I admit it’s true.  I realized in Aruba, while doing yoga on the beach, that when we surround ourselves with beauty, it’s almost impossible NOT to slow down.  Looking up from my morning stretch, I was captivated…and I’ve never breathed so deep. This is what I saw:

Now if I could just paint THAT on my gym ceiling…

(4) Explore different ways to exercise: Yoga on the beach is one way.  Dancing is another.  While having breakfast on our first full day, we saw about 50 people taking a Latin dance class.  It was amazing!  People of all shapes, sizes, and ages, were grooving to the music.  One little boy was keeping up with the rest of them…which got me thinking about the trouble we’ve had getting our children to move their bodies and get up from the TV or computer.  Perhaps if we were more innovative about our exercise plans for them– not going to the gym– but doing the fun stuff like martial arts, gymnastics, dancing– we would be getting a lot further.

(5) Try new things: When was the last time you tried a new food?  It had been a while for me too.  But who could resist trying some of the local seafood in Aruba?  Caught in the morning and served that night, it doesn’t get fresher than this.  We tried local Grouper, Wahoo, Mahi Mahi and some other indigenous fish. Yum.  This is the farthest thing from fast food and TV dinners. It’s even better when you eat it right on the beach.

(6) Relax and Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: My brother used to have a quote on his wall (I believe from the movie The  Natural) that said “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.  It’s all small stuff.  If you can’t fight and you can’t flee, flow.” It was written in crayon– but that’s another story. While in Aruba, I checked my email only once everyday.  Since I had no phone access, this was my one way to connect if necessary.  It’s funny, one email I got was from a reader who was very upset that I had a “comma splice” in one of my recent posts.  She actually told me she was “dismayed.” I realized how uptight we can all get about the little things when we’re caught in everyday life.  I made a conscious decision not to fret over it.  Instead, we decided to make a toast to all the things that made us feel grateful. Perhaps this lesson has inspired me to remember to relax in 2009– even if I’m not in Aruba!  Or, at the very least, I need to remember to go on vacation more than once every 5 or so years!

(7) Life looks better from a Hammock: Expanding on point number 6– yes, life does look better from a hammock.  Should I put one up in my yard today? Probably not.  After all, it’s like, 5 degrees out today.  The wind chill feels like a layer of skin in being peeled off your face.  However, perhaps I need to keep this picture of me in a hammock– and the views from the hammock– nearby.  There’s something about being suspended gently off the ground while looking up at nature that makes you feel weightless physically and emotionally.  And of course, you have to have a book.  In this picture, I’m reading one of the most ridiculous books I’ve ever read– but hey, I was on vacation!

So, this holiday, as people are running themselves ragged, complaining about the economy, fretting about company, and pulling their hair out because of comma splices or the like, I’m going to will myself to incorporate my view from the hammock into my life.  Is it possible?  I’ll let you know.

Wish me luck. Happy Holidays everyone.

PS Just a funny picture.  These Iguanas thought they’d have a little happy hour in a beach goer’s Pina Colada.

Thanksgetting???

Thanksgetting?

By Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman

What ever happened to the “Thanks” part of Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is definitely one of my favorite holidays. In fact, it is a family favorite—one that is filled with savory and sweet smells, warmth, and comfortable conversation with loved ones and friends. I just adore it.

On the flip side, Thanksgiving is also the beginning of the biggest commercial season of the year. Think of the sales! The holiday music! The must-have toys of the season! Corporations vie for your attention and of course, the attention of your children.

Believe it or not, it is estimated that advertisers spend more than $12 billon per year on advertising messages aimed at your children. More than half of the toy industry’s annual $30 billion in sales happen during the weeks leading up to the holiday season. Therefore it is not surprising that the average child watches more than 40,000 television commercials per year—and over 100 commercials per day. No doubt that some of the most influential commercials present themselves in November and December since American families are primed to react and spend.

How can we save Thanksgiving from simply being reduced to “the day before the best shopping day of the year?”

Seven years ago, in the wake of September 11^th, we remembered what Thanksgiving was really about—giving thanks for our family, our friends, and our freedom. We can’t let a tragedy be the only stimulus that reminds us to cherish what we have, instead of what materials goods we want. So perhaps instead of letting this holiday just be about a big dinner, special desserts, and a few days off from the typical routine, let’s use it as a chance to let the kids know that there are reasons to celebrate and give thanks.

Here are some ways to get away from need and greed and to bring gratitude and graciousness to the forefront.

(1) Discuss the real meaning of Thanksgiving and the Holiday Season: Since Thanksgiving, in many American households, has been reduced simply to “Turkey day,” it is not surprising that the “thanks” part of Thanksgiving has been buried under the proverbial pile of mashed potatoes. Talk to your children about what these holidays really mean to you and ask your children what they mean to them. If they simply remark, “presents!” or “cupcakes!” you know that you have some work to do. It may take some patience, but this is the time to start a new tradition of gratitude. Break out the family bucket list! Talk about what your grateful for this year! In the war against the “gimme-gimme ghouls” of Thanksgiving past, present, and future, this is the time to change your family lexicon and behavior around the holidays.

(2) Help your child understand the power of the media: It is amazing. It doesn’t seem to matter whether we are 4 or 44 years old, commercials have a profound effect on our brains. Your child may want the latest “Laugh with Me Laura Doll” just as much as you want the newest digital camera or Plasma TV. While adults have more of an abstract understanding of how media influences our interests and wants, children are more concrete and lack the cognitive capabilities to understand the power of persuasion. They see it, they want it, they have to have it, and you have to give it to them. Talk to your children about how it is the job of the media to make toys look a certain way to con children into buying. Children don’t like to be conned. Let them know about the money, techniques, and “magic tricks” advertisers use to make us feel a certain way about a product.

(3) Seek out activities that build character: It is important in the face of commercialism, to take time to do activities that take no money at all. Discuss your family values and then brainstorm ways to foster them. Bring your Powerful Words into your Table Time Talk. Perhaps you can make it a tradition to do charity work, plant a tree, go hiking as a family, or rediscover old toys in the back of the closet that some other children could use in the coming year. If you do not have the time to do such activities with your children, do not fret. Seek out a family friend, relative or even an activity such as martial arts, gymnastics, or scouts that has a character education program in place to help bring out the personal best in your children. The aim is to help children realize that Thanksgiving, inherent in its name, is not about getting, but giving.

(4) Talk to your children about making gifts instead of buying them: I know it’s not gift-giving season yet. But if you do not want children to wait to the last minute to think about gift giving, talk to them about the power of the homemade gift early. Break out the crayons and crafts and encourage your children to be creative. In addition, now that we are in the tech-savvy world of computers and your children are likely to be pros at operating one, making cards, scrapbooks, audio recordings, or family videos could be priceless. I believe it was in the year 2000 that I video-taped my grandmother talking about our family history, what it was like to grow up in the 1920s, and how she felt about our family. She past away in 2004. The video recording is one of my family’s most precious possessions and it didn’t cost one red cent. Children can also make “Powerful Promissory notes” for gifts—promising to wash the car, clean the garage, baby sit, make breakfast, or do some other elected family chore that would help others.

(5) Remember to give thanks: Who would you like to thank? Teachers? Coaches? Family? Friends? Turn off the cell phone, unplug the TV, and get back to the basics. Discuss the things for which you are grateful—those irreplaceable, precious things that are near and dear to your heart. Model the ability to be thankful and call attention to how giving thanks makes people feel (both the giver and the receiver!). Instead of simply giving thanks before the sweet potato pie is being served, declare November and December “Thanksgiving months.” Why not? Once per day, each member of the family, whether you’re a single parent family or duel-parent family, can say why they are thankful. Sometimes it is helpful to do this at a specific time each day like before a meal is served or before bedtime. Some families find it helpful to use a reminder symbol to encourage giving thanks—like placing a “gratitude rock” in their pocket or placing a “gratitude bear” by the bedside. Any way you do it, you will be surprised about how it changes the climate of the family.

In the end, children take their cues from you. The media might be powerful but it can be dwarfed by the power of a parent who shows, tells, and exudes a thankful spirit for the precious gifts that could never be bought at any sale the day after Thanksgiving.

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman’s programs and services are used worldwide to help children, teens, and adults reach their potential. She is also a success coach for parents, adolescents, and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is currently getting ready to run 2 tele-coaching groups for adults who ready to set and achieve specific goals in 2009. Contact Dr. Robyn to reserve your spot.  Spaces are limited to 12-15 people per group for maximum productivity. Apply now. Serious inquiries only.

Letters to their Helicopter Parents from their Kids: 1st of Series

Dear Dr. Robyn: Letters about My Helicopter Parents

Dr. Robyn Silverman

This week, we’re concentrating on Helicopter Parents because of the number of questions and letters I’ve received on the topic lately from our readers. The letters in this series are all taken from the comments section of one of my most popular articles; “Overprotective Parents: Helpful of Harmful?”

Again, Helicopter Parents are mothers and fathers who hover closely over their children and swoop down to do things for their children (whether their sons and daughters want the help or not) to make things easier for their children, take away pain, or alleviate stress (even when it’s part of normal development and the experience of growing up).

It’s clear that we only want the best for our daughters and sons—at any age. Of course we do! However, it’s vital that as parents we don’t alienate our children or frustrate them into a frenzy because we want to love and protect them. There is a letting go process that we must allow so that children can stand on their own two feet and grow up to be responsible adults.

In the letters this week, you will see that these young adults and teen don’t know what to do but they are certainly fed up with being treated like children. Are you feeling the same way? Or are you the parent of a teen or young adult who you are scared to let go? Either way, please read below and comment. We need to talk about this if we’re going to get anywhere.

Featured Letter #1

Dear Dr. Robyn,

Reading this article (and others like it) has led me to believe that I am actually a child of so-called “helicopter parents”.

Honestly, debilitating is a good word for it. Annoying too. I mean, I’ve actually BEGGED my parents to let me do my own laundry, but was denied because “you cant cuz everyone’s laundry is done at once” blah blah blah. I could just do the whole load was my answer and to that I get “e-eh–nawww, thats not a good Idea!” ….

As you’ll see from my site, I’m an artist, and I actually think the reason I AM is because I gained a sense of freedom from it. How I found this site was cuz I NOW feel like my parents have took THAT away from me cuz for some reason they have a giant wall devoted to my artwork now….so it feels like its something they ENCOURAGED me to do….GAHH! I wan out of this house!!!

so yeah, I agree, debilitating is a good word for it

Dr. Robyn’s answer to Rob:

Hello Rob-

First, I’ve checked out your site and can see you are a very talented person! Congrats on your great work and finding your passion.

It can be frustrating when parents want to do so much. I can hear from what you’re saying, that they clearly love you and care for you– but you are feeling smothered.

Sometimes, we just throw up our hands and say “forget it” and cave in. However, other times, we need to take more action. Remember- The only person’s behavior you are in control of is your own.

You may want to call a meeting with you and your parents and express your feelings there. NICELY. Talk about how appreciative you are of their interest and their love, but you would like to do some things that make you feel more like a responsible man rather than a child….and here are a few things you would like to do– and then discuss them. They may not fully understand why you feel you want to do the laundry– or why you want to do other things similar to that. If you clearly and nicely tell them how you’re feeling and what you would like to do, they may just open their minds.

Because we aren’t in control of other people’s behaviors, you could make some changes on your own– for example, if your parents won’t let you do your laundry in your house, take it to a laundry facility and do it there. However, I would take the “talking approach” first– sitting down with your parents and having a responsible, clear conversation– before doing this type of thing because it could come off as passive aggressive otherwise.

Hmmm. As far as the art goes– I don’t know that you’ll win that debate. The reason why? They’re proud of you. They may do it in an over-the-top way but many parents don’t acknowledge their children talents at all so at least in that sense, if you step back for a minute, you’ll see that you’re lucky. I hear you that it’s annoying– but I probably wouldn’t fight for less “pride” when it comes to your art work, and instead, focus on the other things that are bothering you when you speak to your parents. It seems that the “art wall” is really just adding fuel to the fire– but not what’s causing the fire itself. Make sense?

Let us know when you do it. Remember, these are people who love you– so be gentle but firm. Tell them what you would like to do to help you grow up into the responsible man you want to be– be clear about what you want– and appreciative and grateful for how they’ve helped you.

Good luck-
Dr. Robyn

Any other advice for Rob? Please comment below with your own questions, stories, or 2 cents.

–clipart from Jupiter images